Swallowing Materia Can Be Hazardous To Your Health
by CloudRox1 and Firefly99
Summary: This fic shall answer the great question that has plagued mankind for centuries What happens when Yuffie feeds Vincent three weldedtogether materia? SEE PROFILE FOR EXPLANATION OF LACK OF UPDATES
1. The, um, experiment

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Swallowing Materia can be Hazardous to your Health

By CloudRox & Firefly99

Disclaimer: Let's settle this with Plato's Three-Point Thinking Method.

If Cloudrox and Firefly99 owned FF7, there would be a sequel. There is no sequel to FF7 (FF8 has NO relation whatsoever) Therefore, CloudRox and Firefly 99 do NOT own FF7 

Happy now?

Chapter 1

The first mistake…

Welding torch, check. Materia, check. Yuffie grinned as she lowered the welding mask. A blue flame shot out of the welding torch that was at least 20 centimetres long. Whoops…

Yuffie fiddled with the gas, extending the flame to about a foot or so long. Perfect.

Carefully, Yuffie placed the three materia on the anvil. She would weld them together, just to see what would happen. With any luck she'd create a materia capable of destroying a large chunk of the Planet, Meteor style. If she was even more lucky, she might have created something that would turn Cloud into a Mandragora or something. Her conscience told her that if she was lucky, she'd revive Aeris with this thing.

"God, conscience, go away. I thought I'd finally got rid of you." Yuffie whined, batting herself over the head with her Conformer. After several tries failed to shut up her conscience, she set her attention back on the welding.

The materia melted like resin, going all black and bubbly. An hour and a half later, she had a sparkly red, yellow and green ball with black stains on it where she'd been unable to polish off the burned bits. It was kinda pretty, thought Yuffie. Perhaps she could sell it as a one-of-a-kind accessory or something. No. Maybe she should try and cast it.

After several attempts at casting it, she decided it was a useless piece of junk. And thanks to the unpolishable black bits, she'd never be able to palm it off on someone. She only had one more idea.

"Oh, Vincent…"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What is this?" Vincent asked, looking at the melded materia.

"It's…um…one of them biscuitty things…you know…the ones made with loadsa sweets melted together. I made it. They're real nice." Yuffie bluffed, hiding the welding torch behind her back. With any luck, she'd get Vincent to eat it. And that should be fun. She already had the camera ready.

Vincent scowled at her the way only Vincent can.

"This world had no room for sweetness. Only the deep bitterness of shadow can wake in this dark world. You may give yourself the illusion that the world is sweet and light, but only cold bitterness is there."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. How'd she get Vincent to do things again? Oh yeah…

"Vincent…if you eat the biscuit, you'll make me happy. And not making me happy counts as a SIN!!!! So you have to do it!!!!! Ha!"

Vincent took a deep breath and swallowed the materia whole.

The effect was instant. Vincent's face turned an interesting shade of mauve, which then faded to a blueish colour. He made a loud gagging noise.

"Vinnie?" Yuffie said, genuinely concerned. "Vinn? Are you OK?"

He made several loud gagging noises in response.

"Yuffie?" said a voice. "What's that noise?"

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. It's Cloud. Quick Vinnie, hide!" Yuffie threw a large pile of clothes over Vincent, partially muffling the gagging noises, and then backed the welding gas canister against the door. There was a few click noises as Cloud tried to open the door.

"The…the noise?" Yuffie said, slightly embarrassed. "Err…it's the…ummm…chocobos. I…ummm…put them in here to feed them."

There was a pause.

"We don't…have any chocobos." Cloud replied.

"Yes we do, yes we do, yes we do, I cast Mini on them so I could carry them around, ummm, and…ummm-"

Vincent made his gagging noise. Yuffie kicked the pile.

"That really isn't a healthy noise for a chocobo to be making, Yuff. What have you been feeding them?"

"Greens!"

"Oh. Then what's with the noise?"

"Ummm…it's…errm…laying an egg. Yes. That's it. It's laying an egg." God, I'm getting better at this, Yuffie thought.

"Well, why have you barricaded the door then?"

"Ummm…you know they get angry if they see people when laying eggs and stuff..." Yuffie said, trying to tidy up the welding equipment.

"Then why are you in there?"

"I'm…er…cooking. Yes. Cooking."

"What?"

"Sausages."

"Sausages?"

"Yes." said Yuffie, desperately trying to arrange a frying pan and a few frozen sausages.

"I am fine, Cloud." said Vincent.

"Is that Vincent?"

"Yes. I'm making him the sausages. Yes."

"There aren't any chocobos really, are there Yuffie? You just made it up to hide the fact that Vincent had been eating your cooking."

"Exactly. No chocobos. Not a single one."

"Warrrk." said the pile of clothes. Why was Vincent making chocobo noises? thought Yuffie.

"That sounded like a chocobo to me, Yuffie."

"Yes. It's…ummm…my chocobo impression. Yeah."

There was a very long pause.

"I'm coming in."

"No! You can't!" Yuffie said, very worried

"Yes, I can."

Cloud used his Mako enhanced strength to push the door open just as Yuffie hid the last of the welding equipment.

"Wark." said the pile of clothes sadly.

Cloud instantly dug into the pile of clothes and found…

A chocobo.

A black chocobo.

A black chocobo with red eyes and a metal foot.

"It looks like Vincent, doesn't it?! Ehehehehehe…" Yuffie giggled nevously.

There was a long pause.

"YUFFIE!!!!"


	2. Chocobos, Crushes and Cloudy

DISCLAIMER:

(There is a dramatic silence from the stage. Quiet organ music plays as a figure walks to the front of the stage wearing a red cloak. The lights turn on and we reveal that it is Vincent.)

Vincent: …

(Firefly99's voice from the wings yells, 'SIN!)

Vincent: …*scowls* I have come before you to say that – oh, what is the point.

(There is a click and the barrel of the Death Penalty pokes from out of the wings, pointed at Vincent's head)

Firefly99: CloudRox1, how the hell did you get that?

CloudRox1: You haven't heard of the joys of Steal materia then?

Firefly99: Uh…I'm just happy for you that it wasn't a mastered one with Mug.

Vincent: Might I suggest that you give the gun back before the demon growing within me loses his temper and flays you with my metal claws?

CloudRox1: (freezes) …uhhhh-ohhhhh…Ooooookkkkkkkaaaaayyyyyyy……

(She flips the gun to him. Vincent catches it and puts it back in his holster.)

Vincent: THANK you.

Firefly99: If you're done with all of this, just…pleeeease…make our special guest do the damn disclaimer.

CloudRox1: Oh yeah. (shouts)DEMON!

Vincent: …I have come before you to say that Firefly99 and CloudRox1 do not own FF7 no matter how much they wish to and are only using it for this fanfic. (pauses) Just what is this fanfic?

I have not yet read it.

(Firefly99 appears and hands him the manuscripts.)

Vincent:…(reading furiously) This is cruel, unusual and sadistic. I, Vincent, a chocobo? May you rot where I shall rot in my afterlife.

Firefly99: Umm…it's humour. You know. Funny.

Vincent: (both angry and confused) Funny?

Firefly99: Uh huh.

Vincent: I am the star of a comedy?

Firefly99: That's it.

Vincent: Must…restrain…angggggeeeeeerrrrrr…oh, someone explain the point. (Morphs into Chaos)

Chaos: RAHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

CloudRox1: (blanches) Ooooooooohhhh sh-(Chaos Chaos Sabres her unconscious)

Chaos: (in Vincent's voice) You have this on a PG rating, may I remind you that medium or strong profanity is banned.

Firefly99: Uh…OK…AYAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!(runs like hell)

Chaos: (in Vincent's voice) These people are scaring me.

(Curtains close)

CloudRox1's Voice: (from behind curtain) I was going to say 'shoot'…

^_^

Chapter 2

It can only get better from here…right?

"YUFFIE!!"

"What! I didn't do anything!" Yuffie screamed at him. "It's like, a new breed! Or something…" To be honest, she didn't know exactly how it got here, but it looked a lot like Vincent – well, like he would if he had feathers and a beak and junk. 

"Well, whadd'ya call THIS, then??" Cloud gestured towards the chocobo. "Wh-what happened to its leg?" Instantly, he glared at Yuffie. "You didn't have anything to do with it, did you?"

"Heyy! No _way_ would I injure one of Leviathan's creatures, so poor and defenceless and stuff!! Cloooud!!" Yuffie whined at him, hoping that he'd give up and go away. Hopefully with a migraine.

Cloud just gave her a cynical look.

Quoth the chocobo; "Warrakwark".

What…what has happened? To me? My…voice…

"Vinnie?" asked Yuffie, spinning around on her heel.

Refrain from calling me that frivolous name.

"Don't change the subject!"

Yuffie stared, blinking uselessly at the spot where Vincent's voice had come from. It happened to be precisely at the spot where the black chocobo was staring back, and possibly…glowering?

Nah, thought Yuffie. Chocobos can't glower. They don't have the right bits in their face or something like that.

"Yuffie? YUFFIE! Stop staring at the poor thing, I'm sure it feels bad enough already."

Yuffie turned towards Cloud, eyes wide. "But - he - but the choco - Vincent said - ARGH!!" She shook her head, took a deep breath, and tried again. "I heard Vinnie say somethin', but the-"

"Shut up."

Even when he was telling her off, Cloud's voice was just the dreamiest…GAAH! _Please, hormones, not right now! I have to concentrate on hating him! _Yuffie mentally screamed.

{Screw you, woman. You get ta grow up when WE say so! And, right now, it's time to PARRR-TAY!!!} responded her hormones, or at least she imagined they did. They seemed pretty nasty and uncooperative anyway - only ever giving her hopeless crushes on Cloud or serious PMT. Teenagerdom sucks.

"Look, I'm not in the mood for a big fight here. Just tell me what happened and I promise not to get too mad."

Yuffie breathed in and out a few times, like her father always told her to do when she got too mad to insult anyone. "O..kay. I…kindafedVinnieamateria-welded-together-thingy and – stop glaring at me like that! – there is, for some reason, a huge, big, black, mean, choco-freakin'-bo in this room. And WHAT did I TELL you about the GLAR-ING?"

"…"

"So, I've got, like, nil theories on how this happened."

"…You expect me to believe that." Cloud said flatly. "Your lies are getting worse and worse. At least make them believable. I'm not stupid."

At this point, Yuffie was torn between saying three things.

1) "OH yeah!? You're NOT stupid? Sure did a good job of foolin' me…

2) "But I'm telling the TRUUUTH!!"

3) "Um…Cloudy, this may be bad timing, but…I love you. In fact, since you found me in the forest, I have thought of nothing else but you. Just lookin' at you; your spiky yet silky hair, your gorgeous, penetrating blue eyes, your slim, sexy form, your soft, smooth voice, makes me feel sort of tingly inside…Cloud, I believe we are meant to be…"

Unfortunately, she never actually got to say any of these, because, at that very moment;

Yuffie? What did you do to me? What have I done, oh Lord God? Why did I deserve such treatment? Have I not already tried to repent? Surely my sins are not extreme enough to justify a … transformation of this sort…

"THERE IT WAS AGAIN!! Didja hear it? Didja? Didja? Huh? Huh…? You didn't hear it, didja? Oh…Well, at least say you believe me, right? You hear voices in YOUR head! You know what I'm goin' through…"

"…I'm not even going to justify that with an answer."

"H- HEY! I plead insanity!"

"I agree. Now, go have a nice lie down, and then you can tell me _all_ about it, hmm?"

"What? During the lie down? With ya sharing the bed?" Yuffie said, before her brain could catch up. _GAH! What the HELL did I say…that…for! Now he KNOWS!! All about my…feelings!! Eeep!_

"What?"

"Notta thing."

Cloud looked sceptically at her. 

"Are you OK to find your way to bed, or will you hear a voice telling you to go sleep in a bush tonight?"

Yuffie went pale. "Err. I guess that…heh heh…depends on what the voice is thinking." She realised how stupid this sounded, and added on, "Perhaps it's, like, a faerie hovering over me and giving me superpowers!" This, she realised, sounded even worse.

"Yuffie, seriously, I think you need some rest. Have you been taking Hypers again?"

Yuffie sighed. This wasn't what he was supposed to say. He was _meant_ to say something more along the lines of:

"Yuffie, are you sure you're alright? Do you think it's Jenova trying to drive you mad? How about I take care of you until she stops?"

Or, even better:

"Yuffie, seriously, you look really out of it tonight. Maybe a little…hmm…mouth-to-mouth session would get you feelin' better than ever."

Ohhhh, YEAH. Boo-yaka!!

"Yuffie? YUFFIE! HELLO! Is there anyone home?" Cloud snapped his fingers in front of Yuffie's zoned-out face.

She jerked out of her dream world (reluctantly) and wiped the strand of drool off her chin.

"Gee-yah? Wha-ha-uooh?"

"Right. Bed. Rest. You. NOW."

"Fine, fine, just, uh…" She glanced at the chocobo. Vincent's voice had come from it, and it looked somewhat like him, and it had responded when she'd called his name…Oohhh, Leviathan crap. "Um, can I take the 'bo with me?"

"Why?"

Yuffie gave him a smile that she hoped was Secretive and Mysterious, with a good side order of Sexy. "The voices in my head told me to."

Will Cloud and Yuffie get together? Will Vincent and Yuffie get together – unexpectedly? Is the person who Yuffie ends up with the only thing that interests anyone? Find out in the next exciting instalment of: Swallowing Materia can be Hazardous to your Health!!

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A.N: Sorry it took so long to upload!! We had a MAJOR case of Writer's Block! It is becoming an epidemic! Please, if you have not had immunisation, refrain from approaching anyone infected.

            - This author's note was sponsored by The Fanfiction Author's Physical and Mental Heath Association. -

Thanks to all our reviewers for being so patient! Oh yeah, and may we just stress that all OOCness is entirely deliberate and should be considered an attempt to break away from confines of characterisation. Free your mind, man.

Please review! We know it makes no sense, but it's only being written for fun. Plus, there might be a few hidden surprises coming along! And perhaps a spot of CloudxYuffie, if the feeling grabs us…*biiig Clouffie shippers*

So, c'mon! Click the happy button! Even if you hate this fic. It's our only way of knowing if anyone's reading this thing!


	3. Never play Truth or Dare with Chaos

Swallowing Materia can be Hazardous to your Health

By CloudRox1 and Firefly99

DISCLAIMER:

Firefly99: What the – I OWN HIM!! MUHAHAHAHA!! *reveals Cloud, bound, gagged, and shirtless.*

CloudRox1: *walks in* Oh lordy, not again…

Cloud: Mmmmmp!! Mmm-mmm-ppmm!! *struggles futily*

Firefly99: *hugs him happily* Mmmm… Cloudy…

CloudRox1: *shrugs* whatever… *hugs Cloud too*

Key: (so as to avoid confusion)

"Speech, but you knew that."

Vincent's thoughtspeech, but you guessed that.

~ Chaos, only audible to Vincent. ~

{Products of Yuffie's overactive imagination.}

_Thoughts, or occasionally extreme emphasis, but you probably already had that one figured._

% Galian Beast, only audible to Vincent. %

# Death Gigas, only audible to Vincent. #

///Hellmasker, only audible to Vincent.///

Chapter 3

Chocobos, Chaos and A Whole Lotta Revelations

"Right," snarled Yuffie. "You are gonna explain to me what's going on. You are going to explain it to me in the simplest language you can – NO gothic monologues. Got that?"

…

Yuffie took a deep breath, reclining on the bed that she was sitting on. "…Oh God. Be wordy, but only…use…words…that…I…have a hope in the seven reaches of Hell…of understand-ing. OK?" The patronising tone she used there, she realised, was gonna really put the wind up him, if he really _was_ Vinnie.

Good!

Do not patronise me. I am not stupid. As to your question, I know no more about this than you do. All I know is that it is YOUR FAULT.

"Hmmph," Yuffie growled. "Well, just one thing."

She took one more glance at him. He made a very good-looking chocobo, to be honest. (Not that her fetishes were _that_ strange.) But he looked like the sort of chocobo that would be on television in a documentary about how to care for them. His feathers were the glossiest, healthiest, nightmare-black feathers that Yuffie had ever laid eyes on, and his metal leg looked like it was made of much better quality metal than his human equivalent, to be honest. The only problem was his eyes. They were big. They were red. They were honestly the scariest pair of eyes since Sephiroth. And they were on a chocobo. Yuffie gulped.

"Well, y' see…" she began, "I can understand you. Cloud can't seem to. And, before you ask, he's not the type to play dumb. So, what's going on? Ex-PLAIN!"

I have already told you that I do not know anything about this.

~ Howdy, Vinnie! ~ squawked a voice in Vincent's head.

Oh Lord…It is you, is it not? Chaos…

~ Yep. Me me me. Hellmasker helped me tap in, and Galian Beast ripped a couple of tendons, but hey, I'm the mastermind here! ~

Yuffie blinked. What the heck is going on? Did he say something about Chaos? Perhaps the best scenario would be to sit down and shut up until he was finished arguing with his inner voice. Grudgingly, she did so.

Chaos. I ask you as an equal; why…her?

_He means Lucrecia, right?_ thought Yuffie to herself. _Gah__.__ Talk about a one-track mind._

_Cloudy!_ squealed a much more entertaining thought-voice, so she settled down to fantasise.

~ You see me as an equal? I'm touched. If you could see my eyes, they would be brimming. ~

Do not try to avoid the subject.

~ I'm not. ~

Yes, you are. Now, tell me why you are broadcasting MY thoughts…to…her.

If Yuffie had been eavesdropping, she would have thought it didn't sound like Lucrecia was the 'her' and been pretty interested. However, her mind was floating on a Cloud at the time, and so she wasn't.

~ Shan't. My secret. Nyah! ~

Chaos, tell me this; How old are you exactly?

~ Older than you, Sunny Vin! ~

Never call me that again, or I shall release all my suppressed rage by visualising pain, torture and blood – all yours.

~ God, no need to be like that… ~

How can a demon invoke the name of the Lord?

~ Oh, shut up. ~

...Yuffie?

{Yuffie, enrobed in a green – no, red, red with loads of gold trimmings and junk – kimono, lies back on the bed, leaning on the soft satin – ah, what the hell. Silk. It's my imagination, no expense spared! – pillow, letting the shoulder of the robe spill sexily down her arm. Oh yeah. And Yuffie was older...with longer legs, a slimmer waist, a much, much more gorgeous face, and WAAAAYY BIGGER BOOBS THAN TIFA!! – No, waitaminute, I'd probably become too top-heavy to move...OK. Just big boobs.

At that moment, an Adonis enters the room – Cloud, with that gorgeous wild hair flowing like spun gold – wait, does spun gold even flow? And if it's spiky hair, then... Oh, whatever. It looks mindnumbingly sexy. He is dressed in... um...black spandex and a bow tie. No, wait. That's bad even for Cloud, and kinda unsexy. How about...his usual outfit, but in black. And plenty more of those cute strappy things around his waist, arms and neck. Drool.

"For you, my sweet one. It is nothing to your beauteous...um...beauty..." Dream-Cloud says, producing a flower out of his... umm, not many pockets in that outfit...how about – producing a flower out of God Knows Where!! and presenting it to her.

Yuffie takes the flower, which is a rose – no, that's overdone. How about a daffodil? – and sniffs it – do daffodils even HAVE a scent? Well, they do now. - It smells beautiful. She smiles up at his too-handsome-for-a-mortal-man face.

"Look, I can't think of any more mushy crap right now. Why don't you think of something?"

"Hey," says Dream-Cloud, laughing with his gorgeous deep throaty laugh, "I'm just a dream, remember? I only can think of things you've already come up with."

Yuffie pauses, and then begins to undo the silken – yay for silk! - obi on her kimono.

"I can think of this thing..." she says in her grown-up-Yuffie voice. Which, may I add, is sweet as Aeris', sultry as Tifa's, but SOMEHOW STILL MANAGES TO SOUND LIKE HER OWN!!

"Me too!" Dream-Cloud sits down with her on the four-poster, silken-sheeted bed and puts his big, muscular arm around her slender shoulders.

"Wow, Cloud. You really...do...love me?"

"Yeah. I love you, Yuffie."

Wait a minute. Cloud'd never actually say that out loud, even if he meant it. Change that last bit to;

"Wow, Cloud. You really...do...love me?"

"Less talkin', more action!"

And then, Dream-Cloud - }

Yuffie! I have been calling for the last twenty-three minutes. Are you still alive?

"Oh, Cloudy – HEY!!! What the – ARGH!! You woke me at the absolute super-crucial point!! I feel so unclean for having to think up all that romantic slush and NOT EVEN GETTING TO SEE THE – ahh – CLIMAX!!!"

...Your mind is...uncannily disturbed if you meant what I believe you meant.

"Heyyy. Don't blame that on me. Blame it on the HORMONES!"

{Suuure. Blame it on US. Wait a sec. Hey, Ginger, where did you put the vodka? What, the WHOLE BOTTLE??! Even the ones on my DOORSTEP??! OH my &$*%$*%$ GOD!! Oh, um...Well, Goofy Yuffie, it's your own lookout if your mind's a twisted, pornographic mess. – No!! NOT the Playchemical magazines!! It had a special article with the Capillary Cells!! You ^%$*^!!}

Yuffie decided she should forget about giving her hormones a personality, because it was becoming too disturbing; even for her. And THAT was saying something.

"OK. I am seriously disturbed by my own mind. Criticism accepted. So...What were we talking about again?"

...I called you, because I have a lead on why you can understand me. You understand; I argued with Chaos for some time, and I was able to arrive at a conclusion.

"Hmm." Yuffie groaned. This wasn't as fun as her fantasy. She'd have to carry that on in her spare time later on. "So...spill."

Simply explained, he was incredibly reluctant to give any information, and so I assume this is mostly of his doing.

"Uh-huh, and 'mostly'?"

You were the one who force-fed me that thing. And, naturally, because transforming does not happen spontaneously, I assume that your foodstuff, or whatever it happened to be, was the catalyst that triggered my transformation.

"Guh?"

Basically put, it…was…all – your – fault.

"H – HEY! That's slander, that! Slander! I could get you SUED!!"

Hmm. I believe the police and all lawyers are out to find and arrest us terrorists. Besides, is it even legal to take up a case against a chocobo communicating by telepathy?

Yuffie rolled her eyes.

"What-ever. So, Chaos has something to do with this, and we don't have a CLUE what it is. Right?"  
~ Hah, hah! Talk about stating the obvious. Yep. It's me, me, me, OK? ~

Vincent was the only one who could hear this, so he decided that it was his duty to speak for him.

He says it was all, quote, 'him, him, him'. Unquote.

"Huh. Whatever. So, it's all 'him, him, him', then?" giggled Yuffie. She was enjoying annoying him.

~ You do realise how stupid that sounded, right Vinnie? ~

Quiet yourself.

~ No. Lalalalalalalalalalala! ~

Vincent gouged his talon into the carpeting with stress.

Yuffie, there is no way to force a demon to reveal a secret that he does not will.

"Hmm..." thought Yuffie, chewing her fingernail with deep ponderence. "Um. How about I can reveal one of my own? In the strictest confidence, 'course."

Yes, that may work. I believe that demons are rather large gossip fiends.

~ HEY! I'm right here, you know! ~

Yuffie grimaced. This was turning into one hell of a mixed blessing... "So, is he for it?"

~...uh...oh...Alright, but only if her secret's juicy enough. ~

He says that it is alright. However, your secret must be – ahem – 'juicy', as you say.

Yuffie groaned. "OK, Vinnie. Since Cha' (she pronounced it, 'kay') is hearing through your ears, you're gonna have to listen up."

~ Cool! I have a nickname! I feel loved... ~

...Yes, we are both ready.

~ Truth time. Where, what and who with? ~

He says, 'where, what and who with', said Vincent, wishing he was human and able to blush.

Yuffie cringed.

_What the HELL am I supposed to say!? Um...How about Ye Old 'I-fancy-so-and-so' Truth or Dare Standby? Nah, too overdone, too obvious by half, and NO WAY am I saying a thing about my innermost feelings for Cloud to a demonic pervert! I need detail! Um, there was that thing with Tifa's bras and the cement mixer... no, nonono. Too risky. Or would that be too risqué? Heh, I made a pun! Yay for me! – but no time to think about that. Quick. Need a story. Storystorystooory...there's that one I got away with in that game of Truth or Dare, with Aeris – NO! NO WAY am I saying THAT one again!!_

_HELP!_

~ Is she just gonna sit there, or am I gonna hear a cringy story already?? ~

He wishes for you to hurry.

"OK," Yuffie whimpered. "I fancy Cloud."

_Damn it! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!! I thought I was gonna do the one with Tifa's bras!!_

~.....no duh. I knew THAT. You wanna know mine, I wanna know something I don't already. ~

He says that he already knows.

"Dih!! I mean – ! Buh –! HOW??!"

~ The whole deal with the waking-up-from-a-catatonic-state-saying-"Oh Cloudy" had something to do with it. ~

I am not even going to repeat that last statement.

"What? What did he say??"

...

"OK. You want juicy? I'll GIVE you juicy." Yuffie took such a deep breath she nearly fainted. "Um...well...when I was...uh, like, y'know, nine..."

~  This had better be good enough to make up for that last disappointment. Oh, and Vinnie, don't think you're gonna get away with censoring me. ~

...

"Welllllll, it was, like, y'know, just near the end of the Wutai War. So, y'know, the town was loaded with cute samurai. Ya know where this is headed?"

~ OK, now I'm interested. ~

"Well, I had this crush on a specific one. He, uh, his name was Yoshinori something-or-other. Well, OK, I was nine, but that don't mean I couldn't end up with a twenty-two-year-old warrior. Besides, my sexual fantasies at that time were more of the Disney-style-censored kinda thing."

~ OK, losing interest fast with all the babbling. Tell her to get going! ~

He says he is losing interest.

"Ok, OK. So he is gorgeous. Never lost a single fight in his life. This is, obviously, obvious, seeing as if samurai lose a fight they have to commit suicide, but – y'know, whatever. And here I am, maaaaajor crush on him. Am I boring you?"

~ Nooooo.... ~

He is saying 'no' in a sarcastic manner.

"Ok, it gets juicy soon, 'k? Promise. Well, I was absolutely desperate to win his adoration, and plus I had some pretty neat skills, even back then. Able to impress any guy, even a trained killer. So, basically, the next major Shinra v. Wutai battle there was, I entered the fray, following Yoshinori something-or-other onto the field."

~ OK, no SO bored, but it BETTER get...uh...better. And juicier. If you wanna hear mine. ~

He wishes you to make your story more interesting, but he is enjoying it.

~ STOP CENSORING ME!!! That does it. I'm clawing a tendon. ~

I was not censoring you, Chaos. I was merely rephrasing what you said.

~ Whatever. And I'm still gonna claw your brain. But I hope you like deep pink, 'cos I've redecorated in here. ~

...

"Interesting, huh? Well, I, of course, started to tag along behind him, waving my shuriken at things, yelling out random bravado, y'know the drill. And he..." Yuffie cringed as she relived the memory, "he stroked my head, told me I was a 'sweet little girl, but shouldn't you go home and not get involved in the big scary fighting? Because you might get hurt, and we don't want that to happen, do we? And, if you really want to fight," here her face became contorted with shame and agony, "_why don't you set a game up with your dollies?_' "

~....~

Chaos is speechless. This is a definite first.

~ Shut up! I am SO going to rip your brain. ~

I take that back, Chaos. But are you enjoying the story?

~ Well.....It's certainly funny! ~

He says it is funny.

"I'll give you funny! -  Uh, yeah. So, of course, I was really mad at this, and I chopped one of his fingers off. His left, middle finger, I think. It was fun. But anyway, I ran into the fight, desperate to prove that I wasn't just a little kidlet. Well, anyway, I came across this Shinra SOLDIER, and he said that he couldn't kill a kid no matter what the General said, and told me to go home and _play with my dollies_."

~ what, again? Geez, this is starting to get old... ~

He says this story is starting to get old.

"HEY! Well, this is the good bit. I decided I _would_ go home and play with dollies – my _voodoo_ dollies."

~ OK, voodoo? You seriously expect me to believe this kid can do voodoo? Give me a break. Just because I'm only three thousand, one hundred and twenty-six doesn't mean I'm naïve. ~

He doubts that you could do voodoo. He says that he is three thousand, one hundred and twenty-six, and despite his comparative youth, he is not naïve.

"Huh? Well, anyway, I made these little wooden dolls out of wood. I gave them little papery hair made out of paper, and inked on eyes with an ink pen. I also wrote the names on the back of who they were supposed to be; 'Unnamed SOLDIER', 'Yoshinori Something-or-other' and 'Dad', just because of my entire life up 'till then. This was because they weren't that well made, right, and I wanted the gods to recognise them. It's called annotation. I learned that word during a little stint of reading the dictionary so I could beat Tifa at Scrabble."

~ Getting boring again. Stop yappering. ~

He says the story is getting boring again and he wishes you to be less loquacious.

"Iiii'm not even gonna pretend I knew what that last word meant, but...boring? Well, anyway, instead of using pins like most voodoo-ists, I decided to stick them all on the top floor of the Royal Pagoda and set fire to them. You can see the problem with this already, huh Cha'?"

~ Oooh! Ooh!! Audience participation!!! OK....OK....uh, you can't get up to the top, right? Whad'd I win? ~

He says that he likes audience participation. He says that the problem is that it is difficult to ascend to the top floor. He also wishes to enquire if there is a prize, and, if he gets one, what it is.

~ Yeah! There's always at LEAST a lollipop. AT LEAST. ~

He says that he will feel cheated if you award him less than a lollipop.

"Well, sorry Cha', no prizes for ya this time, because the problem is this; Wutaian buildings are made out of paper and wood. Both of which are compleeeeetely flammable."

~ ...You don't deserve an audience like me to participate with you. ~

He says that he believes himself greater than you, and that you are undeserving of call and response participation with him.

~ Uh, yeah. Something like that. ~

He confirms my accuracy.

"Well, so I throw around a lot of petrol just to light it GOOD, and then set a match to it. Bam. The voodoo dolls, and the entire city, goes up in flames in a cloud of slightly greasy smoke. But, d'ya wanna hear the most cringe-worthy bit?"

~ GET ON WITH IT, WOMAN!!!! ~

He tells you to 'commence, sexually mature female'.

"Ooookay. I'm takin' that as a yes. So, because I'm the High Lord's daughter, despite the fact I was at the scene of the crime – I don't get blamed!! But, can you guess who did?"

~ No more Audience participation. You don't deserve it. ~

He states the negative.

"Uh, that means no, right? Just checking..."

Yes. It means no.

"It was Yoshinori something-or-other!! You see, I chopped off a finger, and they guessed that he lost it causing the fire. But, the absolute worst bit was that without a stronghold, Wutai was completely destroyed by the Shinra. So I guess that's my fault that Wutai lost the war. But I'm NOT gonna let that cramp my style!! And, and, I've never told anyone this before, see? Because I'd lose the little honour I have!! So, don't tell anyone. Especially Spiky-brains."

///Could you repeat that please?///

Spiky-brains.

///Right. Thank you. OK Chaos, it should be online by nightfall.///

What should be online?

///This story. Hi, by the way. Hellmasker here. I'm the only demon who can write. So I took notes.///

Must you all unite to conquer my soul? Let me be, foul spawn of sin!!

% No. %

# No. #

///No.///

~ No. But did that analogy just remind you of a video game we played once? ~

If u WaNnt To sEE ClOuD AliV U SneD Us fIfTeEN PiKTuReS oFf CluD ShErtLez.


	4. I'm NOT a brat! I'm not, I'm not, I'M NO...

Swallowing Materia can be Hazardous to Your Heath

By CloudRox1 and Firefly99

DISCLAIMER:

Firefly99: *folds arms* I refuse to return Cloud.

CloudRox1: *pulls out a piko mallet [1]*

Firefly99: *notices* Hey, don't look so shocked, and don't come near me with that thing. As far as _I_ remember, you were the one who helped me get hold of the tranquilliser gun, AND you provided the distraction, the crowbar, and the skeleton key, not to mention the balaclavas, and the...*begins to reel off a long list of the rather big part that CloudRox1 played in Cloud's kidnapping*

CloudRox1: But you never said we were going to KEEP him after a week! You said it was all a joke! YOU LIEEEEDDD!!!!!!

Firefly99: No, I never said that. Besides, it's not like you weren't planning to take him for yourself afterwards. I SAW the blueprints!! Don't deny it!!

Cloud: *spits off gag* Don't I get a say in this?

Both: NO!

Chapter 4

A Little Spiky Interlude

Cloud had a headache.

It probably had something to do with Yuffie's Voices, which he was getting really confused about.

It could also have something to do with that weird chocobo, which looked too much like Vincent for comfort.

Then again, it could also be that Vincent himself was missing.

Considering that the group had now lost two out of their three long-range attackers (Yuffie's sanity was under some serious questioning) was a surefire sign for chaos, doom, and general hell.

Not to mention that Cloud, as leader, would take the blame for the whole thing. Damn leadership qualities!

He stuck another pin into the cork. It had 'Yuffie' written on it in handwriting that resembled Vincent's. So what? It saved him the bother of making his own. 

In the end, he cast Esuna on himself to try and dispel the agonising pain in his skull. (It didn't work. Natch.)

"CLOUUUUUD-EEEEEEEEY!!"

"Ow..." he winced. It had sent shockwaves rolling straight through his aching skull. "What now? Don't tell me someone else has come down with the Voices..."

"No? What! It's nothing to do with that!" The door was pushed open, revealing Yuffie's face. She was blushing. Either that, or very very mad.

"Then what? I have a pounding headache, so if it's nothing important..." He left the sentence hanging.

"No! Nonono! It's totally vital!!"

Yuffie's shrill voice made Cloud's head throb like a bass guitar.

"What the HELL is it, then?"

Yuffie grinned coyly. "Well, y'see, I need a way of slaughtering a swindling demon who makes young pretty teenagers reveal their deepest and darkest secrets without actually spilling their OWN beans, and, and, this COMPLETELY THEORETICAL demon happens to be residing in someone's head. And I don't want to hurt the someone too much. At least not enough to endanger their life and limb. Did ya get all that?"

Cloud put his head in his hands. ".....OK...just...speak...slower..and...quieter. Cloudy has a headache, OK?"

"Oh...a headache? I think The Redster has some kind of herbally thingummy for that. A rem-remora- no, remedy! Remedy!" She snapped her fingers furiously as she said this, much to Cloud's irritation. "That's the word! Eep, soz," she said, noticing Cloud's face, "but I can't help it. Look, I'll be good..."

For a moment, Cloud thought he saw something like remorse in her face. Nah. Not on The Brat. Brat doesn't really feel emotions other than hyperactivity. If that's an emotion. Cloud's head hurt too badly to consider any details.

"No, really. I'll go and get him to make you some," she whispered, "It really works. And I'll be really, really quiet from now on."

The Brat was approaching. Cloud made a mental note to invest in earplugs.

"Whatever. Just leave me alone right now."

Yuffie looked a touch put-out.

"Erm…so, you aren't going to answer my _totally theoretical _question?"

"Does it have something to do with Vincent? It sounds like it. And you know you're no good at lying."

Yuffie went as pink and shiny as a Gold Saucer Moogle balloon. "No WAY!" she blurted, and then changed colour to a very ashamed purple. "Sorry!!" she whispered urgently. "OK, it has something to do with Vincent. It's an emergency procedure. In case we find Vincent again. Because," she said, waving her hands around furiously, "he's not the kind of guy to run off without telling us - well, at least not in the daytime. So, if he has been taken over by Chaos, we'll need a back-up plan."

"Well what was all that about teenagers, troubles and deep dark secrets?"

"Yeep! Er, theoretical."

Cloud rolled his eyes.

"If you've been havin' some kind of Truth or Dare session with Chaos, all I can do is hope for you that you didn't say anything too...condemning."

"Er...yeah...right..."

"Now, go. It's your own mess and I'm not digging you out of it." At this point, he made a sudden connection. "You've been communicating with Chaos, haven't you?"

"No."

"He's responsible for the Voices, isn't he?"

"No! No, no, nonononomaybe..."

Cloud gave her his best cockatrice stare. "What?"

"Er...ah...funny story really...but, uh, I don't-think-you're-in-the-mood-for-funny-so-maybe-some-other-time-'kay-bye!"

"Hold it," said Cloud, grabbing her shoulder.

"Yeep?!"

"Just pick up that remedy from Red XIII, give it to me, and _then_ I promise I'll help you out-"

"Whee!"

" – provided that you tell me everything about what's going on, what your problem is, what's with the Voices, and why the HELL the chocobo looks so much like Vincent."

"...Awww..."

Just a short chapter for this one, because of the enormous length of the last one. Sorry guys.

Firefly99: Oh yeah, I have to apologise to everyone out there waiting for me to update TINAY and The Fanfiction and everything – my computer at home is being rebuilt and every spare minute of school computer time is spent working on this. Also, sorry if I haven't read and reviewed the fics I like, because, as I said – no FF.net time either!

CloudRox1: After that little plugging byte, 

Firefly99: HEY! That was not plugging! –

CloudRox1: Whatever. After that thing-which-wasn't-plugging-but-sure-sounded-like-it, just let ME say that I am working on my fics; sorry for the wait. OK. There, now THAT is saying sorry but NOT plugging.

Firefly99: HEY! Watch it!

CloudRox1: *sticks out tongue and runs off*

Firefly99: Well, if you WISH to interpret my OBVIOUSLY NOT-A-PLUG as a plug, The Links Are In Our Bio!!!!!!!!!1


	5. The Headache Goes, Or Does it?

Swallowing Materia Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

By CloudRox1 and Firefly99

DISCLAIMER:

Firefly99: ::looking very gloomy and dabbing at her eyes with a tissue:: We have some sad news for you. It appears that someone had alerted the authorities on our ownership of MY CWOUDY-WOUDY and they came and took him back. All we have left of him is this lock of hair I got while he was sleeping... ::holds up a medium-sized spike and sobs::

::A loud bang is heard from somewhere in the distance::

Firefly99: ::snapping out of it:: Whu?

CloudRox1: ::comes in, blackened and grinning like a loony::

Firefly99: Why are YOU so happy alluva sudden? Don't you miss OUR CWOUDY-WOUDY?

CloudRox1: Nope! I've got THIS!

Firefly99: ::going pale:: Er...what??

CloudRox1: ::steps to the side revealing a rather bewildered looking...Cloud?::

Firefly99: DUUUUDE!

CloudRox1: THE CLONING MACHINE I STOLE FROM HOJO WOOOOORRRRRKKKKSSSS!!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Firefly99: Whooo-hoo! ::points to Cloud Clone #2:: Can I have that one?

CloudRox1: OK! I can always make more!

Firefly99: ::in love:: Hee hee! Cloudy, you're my boyfriend now and I want to do some fun things with you!! First of all you can take me on a date, and then we can… ::continues drivelling about her dream date with him::

Cloud Clone #2: Pardon? Je ne pas parle Anglais…

CloudRox1: oops.

Firefly99: Wellll…ehp…French accents are sexxxxxxy!! SQUEEEEEE!!! hugs him

CloudRox1: Yours is French? Mine's GERMAN!

Cloud Clone #1: Um… ::blinks:: Ich kann nicht spreche english.

CloudRox1: OK, back to the proverbial drawing board. ::stomps off towards the clone machine room::

Chapter 5

"OK. OK," Yuffie hissed. _ARGH!! How the HELL am I gonna explain this!!?_ "Well, you see...Remember that thing about Tifa's bras and the cement mixer?" Well, perhaps she could distract him...

"Yes. Is that what you told Chaos?"

"No."

"Well, what does it have to do with this conversation?" Cloud took a sip of RedXIII's headache remedy that Yuffie had got for him. It tasted like horse pee (except three times more bitter), but he could feel his headache lifting already.

"Er…well…"

"I'm waiting."

"Fine, fine then," Yuffie whined at exactly the frequency that made Cloud's ears buzz like a badly tuned radio. Not that she knew this of course, but-

"Spill," Cloud said, leaning back into the chair and folding his arms arrogantly, a gesture that Zack used to do when he was trying to get Cloud to do his homework for him.

"Well. Right. Funny story really…I did a – a – an experiment with….materia."

"I don't like where this is heading…" Cloud forced back some more of the headache cure, and tried not to shudder. It actually was working better than he had hoped. He'd have to ask Red what he'd put in it.

"You know that welding equipment that Cid uses to repair holes in the Highwind? Well, I thought I'd try that out."

Cloud shook his head. (And the headache returns…)

"So, I got out some materia – uh, NOT YOURS though – and started…messing around with it."

"…You welded some materia together. Why?"

"Why? Um…hehehe, funny story…it seemed like a good idea at the tiiiime…or something." To be completely honest, Yuffie wasn't sure herself why she'd done it. But she didn't want to admit that to her Heaven's Cloud. He already thought she was crazy.

"Right. So, you made some kind of – some kind of über-materia –"

"Uh, über? What kinda language is that?" Yuffie said, trying hopelessly to change the subject.

"Nibel. From back before Midgarian became the official language of everywhere. But that," Cloud spat out a herb that had somehow missed the filter, "isn't the point."

"Uh? What is then? I'm sorry, I forgot what we were talking about so bye-bye – "

With SOLDIER reflexes, Cloud's hand shot out and grabbed her wrist. He made extra-special effort to squeeze the pressure point there. Back in the SOLDIER academy, he'd once done an extra-credit paper on pressure points – for Zack.

"OW! What the hell are you DOING?"

"I could ask you the same thing. You haven't told me anything."

"And I don't plan on doing that," the shinobi hissed, furiously trying to free her wrist. "Now get the frickin' hell off me so I can make a break for it!"

"We had a deal." Cloud's voice was calm, but he squeezed ever-so-slightly harder.

"I'm a thief! I have no moral code of honour- OOHAAAGH! Right, right, you win."

"So. Explain what happened in words of three syllables or less."

"So, you know the materia? Well-ll-ll, I…fedittoVincent to see what would happen-"

"You…did…what…" Cloud said, in the dead tone of someone who is certain that they're the only sane one in a particular group.

"Yeah. Didn't I tell you that? You weren't listening, weren't you?"

He hadn't. But he had to appear the Kind, Considerate and Noble Leader. So he opened his mouth.

"I was listening," he began, but at Yuffie's look, decided to be more honest. "It was just at that point I genuinely believed you were insane." She glared even more. Sadistically happy that he had the power to annoy _her_ for once, he carried on with an evil grin. "Actually, correct that last statement. The jury's still out on your sanity, at this current time."

Now she was pissed off, Cloud noted with barely-masked glee. Finally he managed to force his grin off his face, and reverted to his usual moody leader expression. He had to admit it was more comfortable anyway. He was sure his smile muscles had atrophied or something.

"Well, thanks a lot!!" hissed the ninja. "I start being honest, and THIS is the response I GET??"

Cloud drained the last of the headache remedy. The dregs were hundreds of times more bitter than the rest of the drink had been. He tried not to make a face.

"Well, I still think you're hallucinating or something. There's no way that any materia on the planet could transform someone into a chocobo. A frog, maybe, but definitely not," he said, making a grand gesture with his hands, "a _chocobo_."

"Why're you waving your hands around? Anyway, I'm tellin' the truth for once. But yeah, Transform materia does ring a few bells…ummmm…"

Cloud gave a heavy sigh as Yuffie's eyes rolled to the ceiling, trying to think.

"Riiight…um-um-um…Transform materia..? Errm…uh…ummm…"

"Oh, Lord…"

Cloud's headache was starting back in full force. He had to fix this once and for all. Or, at the very least, work out what the HELL was actually going on so he could do something about it.

"Look," he said, holding his head. "Just tell me what materia you used. Then, we can get some advice from someone smarter than us-"

"NO!" Yuffie shrieked.

There was a silence as Cloud gazed at her with those unrelenting, piercingly blue eyes. Yuffie felt an incredible urge to curl up into a little ball in the corner, alternately crying with fear and begging Cloud for a date.

"You're the Mr. Leader Guy, right?" she finally said, weakly.

"...That's not it. I can tell. Why do you REALLY not want me to say anything to anyone else?"

"No. That's it. It's YOUR job to sort out this mess."

"Riight. Just like it was MY fault that this whole mess started-"

"You SHUT UP, BLONDIE!!"

"THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!!!"

"SHUT YOUR NOISEHOLE, MAKO MUTANT!!"

"WHY DON'T YOU, MISS ROB-AND-RUN?"

"CACTUS HAIR!!"

"FEATHERS-FOR-BRAINS!"

"YOU CAN TALK, MR. I'M-SO-COOL-'CAUSE-I-CAN-HANDLE-A-GIANT-MEATCLEAVER!!"

"AT LEAST I DON'T FIGHT WITH SPIKED FRISBEES, YOU KLEPTOMANIAC!!"

"POINTY-HAIRED DOLT!"

"HYPERACTIVE BRAT!"

"SOLDIER WANNABE!"

"NINJA WANNABE!"

"HUMAN PETRI DISH!"

A long, deafening silence rang out.

Cloud took a deep breath. He hadn't shouted that loudly in seven years. Normally, he had to speak really softly so that people would listen, even when he was angry. He swallowed. Yuffie's nose was practically touching his.

Kinky, thought Yuffie.

This chapter was meant to be longer, but we decided to end it there instead. We'd also like to apologise to A. Nonymous III Esq. for stealing her AE format for the slanging match.

Firelfy99: I'd also like to apologise for making Cloud so moody in this and the last chapter.

CloudRox1: ::blackened, staring at the long line of Clouds:: OK, let's see. We've got Chinese, Japanese, French, German, Swedish, Portugese, Turkish, Swahili, Latin, Oppish, Cockney Dialect, Dutch, Double Dutch, Greek, Italian and Al Bhed, but STILL NO ENGLISH! ARRGH! ::thumps head on a random desk::

Al Bhed Cloud: ::sarcastic:: Cunno du pudran oui…

Support the Languages Federation! Click the happy button, and donate a review today! For each word, we will get one gil with which we can buy a language tape for a needy fangirl!


	6. Clouffie SAP! YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING!

Swallowing Materia Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

Chapter Six

Disclaimer is currently out of action thanks to the fact that CloudRox1 is STILL trying to produce an English-speaking Cloud-

Chinese Cloud: ::in Chinese:: (It's unfair. Does it mean that we aren't good enough?)

Al Bhed Cloud: Dryd ryc du pa ed, pnudran. E ys hud yfyna uv so hispan. Firefly...Fryd ec so hispan?

Firefly99: Get off me, you dirty Al Bhed ¨C uh, switched into Wakka mode there. Ya.

**WARNING!! WARNING!! WARNING!!**

The following chapter contains extreme Clouffie sappiness. If you are unsure of this sappiness, or are taking another form of sappiness, please consult your family physician.

**Side-effects may include, but are not limited to:**

_Crying, sniffing, snivelling, flaming, rampant Clouffie shipping, going, 'Ahhhh!!', rampant Clouffie hating, sappy reviews, going, 'ewwww!', going, 'NNNNO!! It should be [insert name of other bishounen here]', or death. Well, actually, we made that last one up to add a bit of excitement. Or did we? MUHAHAHA! (See? Excitement!)_

Yuffie felt happy.

She'd managed to have a slanging match with a guy, which was fun. And now, she was gazing into the eyes of the guy she fancied more than anything.

Mentally, she catalogued the pattern of filigree in his eyes, quietly appreciating the exact shade of blue...all the different patterns, and the telltale Mako glow...

_Glowy__..._

"...um," Cloud eventually apologised, backing off slightly.

"Awww...!"

"What?"

"Nothing," Yuffie moaned. Oh god, she couldn't stay angry with him. Not after looking into _those _eyes...They drew her in, like black holes, only such a lovely shade of blue. So, like, blue holes. Um. Something.

_Eeeee__...blue..._

"Yuffie, is something wrong?"

"Fine...I'll tell you what's going on..."

_I'm not angry. I'm IN LOVE!! WHEE!!! Lalalala!! And he's got those sexy bits of hair that fall over his face, and his eyes, oh, OHH!! Those beautiful eyes-_

"CLOUD! Quit shaking me!"

"She shows some signs of life, and rudimentary intelligence," Cloud said in his most sarcastic voice.

"Hmmph. I liked Dream Cloud better. He gave me daffodils -"

"What?"

"NOTHING!!" Yuffie shrieked. "I didn't say anything!"

"Something about," Cloud gave a slight shrug, "daffodils?"

"No...I said, umm...I would...very much like a bunch of daffodils. Ehehe. So. About this whole thing..."

_Go, Yuffie. Come clean. You can do it. Do it for...hiiim..._

"OK. I'll admit it," Yuffie said, with a deep breath. "I...I WAS BORED, alright? There was nothin' to do!! And all I could think of was terrorising the world with a big mega-materia, but it wouldn't cast, and then I called Vinnie in, because terrorising him is almost as fun!! And then..." Yuffie felt tears prickling at the back of her eyes, "I got him to eat it-"

"How?" Cloud cut in.

"...Guilt tripping him! But anyway, all that stuff with the sausages was a big lie, and then-then you came in and everything went horrible!! Not that, y'know, _you're _horrible, but..._it's too much!!!_"

Cloud stared as the young ninja dissolved into helpless tears. Strange...he'd never seen her cry before. Even when she was really angry, she cheered up within minutes if you didn't give her any attention. _No,_ he corrected. _There was that one time when she died. Then she cried on me..._

Choking back the lump that had appeared in his throat without filing a proper permit, he threw his arms around her again. Like he'd done before.

She didn't seem much like a brat, now. Just a confused, scared little kid in trouble.

"It's OK," he said, trying to sound reassuring. "It'll be alright. I promise..."

Yuffie's muffled sobs began to slow slightly.

"...Really?" she choked.

"Really," Cloud said, stroking the back of her head.

She finally pulled away ¨C still red and tear-stained, but smiling.

Just another short one. Sap is not to be taken in large amounts, says our doctor; but it IS a good cure for fluff.


	7. Filler, Banter and Screwation

Swallowing Materia Can Be Harzardous to Your Health

by CloudRox1 and Firefly99

Al Bhed Cloud: Suja ed! GEMM DRAS!!

Cliché Cockney Dialect Cloud: 'Scuse me, me old china, but I think you've gone all sixes-'n'-sevens. You talkin' out of ya Khyber?

Al Bhed: ::is confused. Thinks for a moment, then furiously mimes pointing after the two authoresses, and then slitting his throat::

Cliché Cockney Dialect Cloud: Aaahh! Raight. Thanks, me ol' chum.

::All Clouds proceed to run after the authoresses, shouting battle cries in different languages and brandishing Buster Swords and pointy sticks. And a couple of flaming torches wielded by some of the more vehement Clouds. ::

Pig Latin Cloud (he's one of the latest 'results'): Oon-say, e-way ill-way ule-ray hem-tay all-ay!!

Random Language Which We Can't Currently Recognise Cloud (the worst 'result' so far, except possibly Cliché Cockney Dialect Cloud): Wh-na-hu-ki-al-ee? Gu-oif-gutiy-ut-weeaf.

Pig Latin Cloud: Orget-fay it-ay.

"Oh god..." Yuffie said. She had now calmed down a little bit, and was sitting on a chair. Her shirt had been completely soaked, so she was now wearing one of Cloud's spare turtlenecks. So what if the holes-where-sleeves-could-have-been went part of the way down to her elbow? And so what if the turtleneck practically touched her hairline at the back? It was comfy. And it smelt of Cloud.

Cloud, however, was suffering with having his Leader Instinct™ kicking in.

He reclined on the chair, all serious and leaderly. Just the way Yuffie liked.

"So," he began. "Personally, this has to be the most...trippy problem we've experienced so far, but it's still a problem, nonsensical or not. Therefore, there has to be a solution, nonsensical or not. Got it?"

"Yeah."

"And although this is all impossible, it has to be possible because it's just happened, so by logic the solution must also be impossible but it also has to be a possible impossible thing otherwise we'll never be able to do it and therefore it won't work."

"...Yeah, I think."

"So, do you have any ideas?"

"Yup!" Yuffie proclaimed gleefully, trying not to snuggle into Cloud's top. God, SOLDIERs knew how to make uniforms. "Right. What we do is..." she paused, solely to add suspense, "what we do is we head down to the Gongaga Jungle, catch some jab frogs, and put them in a fruit juicer. Then we feed Vincent the juice. And then we drink the rest ourselves."

Cloud paused. "What?"

"Well, it's quite simple really. Everyone knows that jab frogs secrete a hallucinogen, right? So all we need to do is find exactly the right balance of hallucinogens and other things to make us all hallucinate that he isn't a chocobo. It can't take too much experimentation."

Cloud groaned. "Look, if you want to get off your face on drugs, you can do that after this whole nonsensical scenario. We need a proper solution, and we need it fast."

"Why fast?" Yuffie asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Because Vincent is one of our three long-range attackers."

"Oh, that? That's another thing that's easy to solve. We just glue his gun to his for'ead, here," she said, pointing at the proposed spot on her own head. Cloud wiped a tear of pure exasperation from his eye.

He wasn't sure how much longer he could bear this...this idiot...kid.

He lost the ability to insult people when he was stressed. Yet another reason to stay calm, cool, collected, composed, or, at least, Zackish.

Yeah, _he_ never had this problem, did he?

"Or you could throw your sword like a boomera – aaaa!"

"SHUDDUP!!! I'm TRYING to THINK!!"

Yuffie tried to worm away from Cloud's fingers clawing into her jugular vein.

"Well, sor-ry."

"Fine," Cloud said, sitting back down in his chair, massaging his temples. "I'm sorry. The unthinkable has just happened. Not only that, but it happened in a stupid way that's actually sort of funny..." He moaned, and flopped his head forward onto his hand. "I think I feel an aura coming on."

"Aura what?"

"I feel dizzy and sick and horrible and it always means I'm going to get another migraine. So...I'm sorry. My patience is a bit...thin at the moment."

The migraines were one of the inevitable consequences of the mako therapy. About a fifth of all the SOLDIERs were off duty at any time due to them. It paid to know military secrets.

Yuffie simultaneously lowered her head. "Yuh. I'm...I'm just - just trying to cheer you up, Cloudy. Like...you seem to need it right now and everything, so I thought if I was funny, you might like me more. 'Cause I can be funny, and I know you like being happy, and stuff, y'know, like, stuuuuff..." Yuffie trailed off, looking lower and lower down at her feet as she spoke.

"I know. Life just sucks right now. And I think my sense of humour died along with Zack's persona, I'm afraid..."

"Yeah, everything sucks."

"Yeah."

"Sucks."

"Definitely."

"Yeah."

A long, depressed silence filled the room.

"Soooo," Yuffie ventured. "Do you listen to depressing goth music? 'Cause I think that might go with the current atmosphere. Got a CD?"

"I missed out on five whole years of music, Yuffie. Five years is a long time..." Cloud sighed. "Well, I didn't miss out on the bad songs that Hojo sometimes liked to play when writing his reports. Thankfully, I was mostly too doped up to remember many of them."

"Like what?"

Yuffie was shocked when Cloud sung the first few lines of one of them, for no apparent reason. _Perhaps he's lying about the sense of humour thing._

"_I'm an alchemist, baby!_" Cloud sang in a surprisingly nice voice. "_I can turn base metal into gold!_" He paused. "Need I sing on?"

"Someone actually wrote a song with those words in?"

"Evidently."

Yuffie groaned. "Oh man. No-one deserves five years of that."

"Look. This is just idle banter that isn't gettin' anywhere. What we need, Yuffie, is," he pounded the table with his fist as he spoke (it had been a particular habit of one of Zack's friends' enemies' brothers' mates which he'd eventually picked up on) which made Yuffie look at him strangely, "a PLAN! ...And coffee. And something for my head."

"And donuts!"

"What?"

"Sorry. Just wanted to add something."

Cloud rose to his feet, running his fingers through his mess of blond hair. "Then it's settled. Does anyone know anything about Chaos and his motives?"

"He seems to like annoying Vincent."

"That's what he was put there for, Yu. Anything we don't already know?"

"Didja call me Yu?"

"It flows off the tongue easier than Yuff," Cloud moaned. WHY did he always have to explain EVERYTHING to her? "Chaos. Tell me about him. You know more about him than I do – "

" - Because I hung around Vincent just to annoy him!"

"And he kept losing control to Chaos out of pure irritation, so you two had a lot of time to get acquainted."  
"What are you implying?"

Cloud's migraine was starting up.

"Absolutely nothing. Stop asking me to explain every little damn thing!"

"OKAY! Sheesh…spiky-haired-jerk…"

Cloud chose to ignore her.

"So we're drawing a blank about Chaos," Cloud said, drawing himself back on his chair. "Well, now we're screwed. We are really screwed. Really, really screwed. There is no WAY to describe the level of…of…screwation that we're in."

"Screwation? Is that a word?" Yuffie snorted. "Screwation?!"

"Yuffie –"

"Screw- whahahahahaa!! Oh..GOD!!"

_Well_, Cloud thought, looking at the hysterical Yuffie banging her fist on the table, _at least one of us is enjoying ourselves._

As script is not allowed none anymore at all, we have the authoresses at our control. All your authors are belong to us. We brought language tape and it think we can speak the language, of English, good?

The authoresses say they think that Cloud saying idle banter with Yuffie saying it also is getting rather a lot of the fic, and it finds it annoying.

We say read on. It is their only thing to do in our hideout – write this fic. They seem to it like.

Number One (better as known Al Bhed Cloud)

Leader of the Cloud Clones Allience


End file.
